its been awhile

i didn't realize its been awhile since my last post. and nobody really follows blogs anymore since its the "in" thing to do. but oh well. i could write in my journal but i hate leaving smudges. so lame. but ya...its been almost two months and a lot has happened but more or less things are the same thank God.

the past few weeks i have been doing a lot of thinking and being analytical about many things: coworkers, my relationships, and myself. coworkers are bitches but that's life. the relationships in my life are somewhat growing more stable and sound, despite the bumps in the road i have come across. miss katie scarlett and i have weathered the storm that was 2008 and a few months of 2009 tolerably well and our friendship has grown stronger thanks to two awesome guys who loves us despite our insanities. as for my relationship with my fucking awesome guy our love has grown pretty amazingly but we have come across several bumps on the road.

those bumps have me blogging today and has me trying to decipher some things that have been coming to me in my sleep. i sort of forgot my relationship with God. i could never forget Him since He has blessed me in so many ways; but i sort of forgot the growing closeness i had with Him since the whole rada debacle and the mo mess. i love my beloved boyfriend, but i have forgotten to share my love of my beloved Father with everything and everyone in my life. the bumps on the road are reminders to all of us that life isn't always perfect and stop trying to control things entirely. there are some things in life that we cannot prevent, change, or forget. those bumps on the road reminds us of that, or i guess in this situation myself. i have to remember my blessings are because of loving and serving God. He is supposed to come first despite everything good or bad in our lives happen.

i went through some major mess in 2008 and i somehow managed to maintain my sanity for the most part. and it was when i accepted that life happens and shit happens and all one can do is ride the motions of it all and fucking deal. when it fell out of my control, i left it to God and it all somehow manage to balance itself out. i sort of have forgotten everything God has done for me. and the bumps of the road are all signals to stop, breathe, trust in God, and float on. and i am now going to focus on other priorities that God has reminded me that i got to handle.

i must break free from my fear and fully become an adult. which means, get my fucking license. its time to be the woman i have so wished to be for so long. im still scared of being an official grown up. the time, however, is now. i am going to be 29 come spring and by being this adult it can lead me to do more for God than i was able to do in the past. all i want to do in 2010 is to serve more in my church, spend time writing, and growing closer not only to my beloved fucking awesome boyfriend, but also focusing on God and what He expects of me. this is something i know i have to do. i cant avoid it any longer. i also want to feel better of myself. i want to feel healthier and prettier...my beloved boyfriend and the bosom friend think i am lovely now. but for selfish and vain reasons of my own, i want to feel healthier. i want feel pretty. not only for my boyfriend and my bfff but for my own sense of self. i want to be able to look in the mirror and not groan(too much). i want to be able to just gaze at myself and shrug and be on my merry way without having a panic attack about my tummy and plain face.

2010 is waiting and i think the time to change and grow is now. i want to be someone my friends, my baby, and God most of all to be proud of. i have so many aspirations of my future...i want it all. and i have never wanted it as much as now.

world series 2009

screw the yankees. thats all i have to say. and screw the phillies. fuck it: i am boycotting the world series this year...FUCK THOSE TEAMS.

4 months

its been 4 months since i have written anything. so much has happened its hard to believe it has been this long. there are days when it feels long and others that leave me bewildered on how time as FLOWN. i have a wonderful boyfriend that i wasnt expecting on having considering my past history on fiascos and dramas. on the flip side, there is the bad. i have always known the good always has to co-exist with the bad. there is always a flip side to a positive; just like there is always a silver lining in the most dire of circumstances. i have known that since "eternal sunshine of the spotless mind." i just needed a reminder.



4 months ago i was a mess of a girl. i was in a relationship of sorts that had me spiraling downward so fast it left my bosom friend helpless. all she could do is watch me self-destruct in an affair that was, more like would have, left me broken and damaged for a long time had i continued. i dont have to document entirely the situation that i was in with mo just 4 to 5 months ago. it is a situation that i wont be forgetting for awhile considering of recent events. needless to say, i feel betrayed and duped.



at first i felt betrayed and duped by mo's recent behavior. i never thought he would be this nuts and melodramatic. in the span of our sordid and distorted history, i would have NEVER made him unhappy. my strength and weakness in one, my goal was always to make others happy, especially mo. i never knew how to be happy on my own or let others make me happy. i was happy going to church, happy in journaling and watching movies, happy in reading etc. as for people i was never sure how to be happy with them; i was happy making them happy at whatever cost. others were gracious, some were not. as for mo, all i strived for was making him happy. i thought this was how life and love was. in some instances it is true. but in the case of me and mo, it was a flat out no. it took me a long time to see it. katie was afraid i would never see the light that would take me away from darkness like before with rada and itchy. she was afraid that she would have to pull me out of my sea of insanity, especially if i would be floating in it, floating in defeat. but she was spared for once and both she and i have praised God since.



i am happy with my light in shining armor, my prince that i never thought i would ever have. i had resigned to settling for less than extraordinary then God brought me and my beloved together. i found my happiness, just not the happily ever after yet. there is always a happy ending, true. but because this is real life, sometimes it isnt neat and easy. just like my life, it is hard work and sort of messy in a sense that i have an ordeal to overcome. but its worth it. fuck yes, its worth it. and im ready to fight when the need calls for it. i have my faith in God, i have my faith in His awesomeness that no matter what, i will be in His hands. He's proven it before without me asking for it; now i all i have to do is trust in that. easier said than done of course. im letting the recent insanities of mo affect my sense of peace and dictate my life to the dread of his words. but after some reading and journaling(my old friend im glad to have found you again) and now my favorite past time of blogging i can be brave. i just have to trust like i have before and stand up for myself.



mo has hurt me, yes. but i realize he didnt betray me or dupe me. i duped myself into thinking he is a good man. there were moments that had me convinced, and i still have faith that the good of those moments will manifest into the makings of a good man. but for now i have to accept the fact he is a bad man. and i had blinded myself into thinking that he was good when it was obvious he wasnt. he woulda never hurt his crazy but precious miss jenny, he would have never lead me through sin, and he would have never made the remarks he made of my bosom friend and most recently the jeerings towards my beloved ezkibel. i was blinded by a sick version of love and now i have to deal with realities i denied myself. i duped myself; i betrayed my own eyes and saw what i wanted to see. i did all this to justify my loneliness, my insecurities, and my own sins. i am forgiven but im not immune to the consequences, of the aftermath of every choice we all make. regardless of the good or bad of a choice, there is always an aftermath. a cause and effect. and now i am awake. its tough to see how fucking wrong i was and how stupid i was back then.



but i have my friends. i have my boyfriend. i have my God who because of Him i have my friends and my boyfriend and my family. i am not alone. i dont have to do all this alone. im not at fault. i have been forgiven. i have to remember this. because if i forget, mo wins. and if he wins, the devil wins. i want to live for God and with God. i want live with and for my friends. i want to live with and for and love my boyfriend. he is FREAKIN' awesome. i was truly blessed the day we went to In n Out on June 15th, 2009. he is the best thing thats happened to me since katie.



i heard a car and i felt my nerves go haywire. see, i let fear come in again. fuck you, fear. actually no, come back. because of you, i pray more to God. so bring it on fear. i have God. i have ezkibel. i have katie. i have friends and family. i'll be more than fine. i'll be happy. i am happy. and i feel good blogging. i missed you, blogging. lets keep in touch, si? SI.

shadows

i am surrounded by overshadowing beings, those that i love and adore. i dont know how to emerge from the darkness to the light, not sure of how i would react to such brightness. my world has always been grey, never sure to be self-assured and never known to be my own. there was always a ying to my yang, my partner in crime, my bosom friend. there has always been a lover, a loner, a rebel in my hearts desire. i dont know how to step into the light and embrace the warmth when all i have ever known and loved was the chill and the cold.

my towering loves are more unreachable than ever before; i am a stranger to those that i cherish with the stone that is my heart. i am a stranger to myself; i dont know who is me. im torn between two girls in one body, both desperate to be loved, to be wanted, to be known as her own. but i dont know how to be one person. i dont know how to be me. i dont know if i can be an amazing person some claim i am. there are claims i am loyal and loving. but i love the wrong ones and im loyal to lost causes it seems. i dont know how to reach out to those that i love anymore; they are unreachable and always far away. my grey world is of my own doing, of my own choice, of my own hearts desire. i havent known true warmth in so long i wouldnt know where to go, who to trust, how to start living in the light, away from my own shadows.

i am the shadow to those that i love and adore; thats my place in this world. because i choose this, i know this, i reluctantly accept this. this is the world of the shadows, the cowardice of blind faith, the unwillingness to step away from the dark, the way of the grey. this is who i am; i dont even know who i am alone. i am a stranger; i am my own shadow. i am grey, i am alone; who am i?

diamond in the rough

is how someone at work described me; that i have a tough wall but once the wall is broken through i am a softie. long ago my friend called me an egg lol: hard exterior and just mush inside. the egg analysis had me laughing aloud when i first heard but when my friend called me a diamond in the rough had me teary eyed. then again he had called me cold hearted just a few minutes before the diamond in the rough statement.

i was kinda shocked that this particular guy had called me a cold hearted person...i mean he has seen me sad and vulnerable. i asked him if he really thought that of me and he had to think for a moment. the fact that he had to think had me thrown for a loop. i hadnt realized i was such a bitch at times but how can anyone blame me? if anyone knew the horrors of being stepped over since junior high, the fact that i was made to be a simpleton, and a brother who let me down repeatedley would understand why i can be a bitch. it hurts that those who more or less know me really believe i am coldhearted and said guy even asked why it was so hard to just lighten up.

ya...why is it so hard? why am i always emo? yadda yadda yadda...i only trust a handful of people and even those let me down that it strikes a blow to me when it happens. i want to clam up but at the same time i want to be around those that i trust and adore. its such a hard thing to do, loosening up. i am a tough one to know but it kills me that those that i consider friends mock my sensitivity and are doubtful of my heart. it truly hurt that my "friend" told me this; i sort of distanced myself from him although i doubt he is aware of it. he probably thinks its me being dismissive and "coldhearted". and to an extent it is but not for the reasons he thinks.

i sometimes trust the wrong people, love the lost causes, and fight for battles that were lost long ago. thats me; i refuse to give up on the things that were long gone. there was a poem written by an anonymous girl with a pen name that resembled my troubles and myself at times. and i'll post it along with this blog along with the one that was written for the man the girl referred to, a friendship that was also lost. silly me, with my dramaticisms. but yah i am "coldhearted". so what? i am for good reason; i only hope those that i trust and love see beyond the roughness of who i am. that they look beyond the "emoness" that is me at times.

someone once asked me why i am "emo". i gave him a reasonable explanation which he sort of scoffed at. hmmm...once again me trusting the wrong people again. well here are the poems of gus and veruca, two silly people that i truly empathize with and i wish i knew more of.


~~my poor little emo; lost to the world, forsaken and denied to what she craves to enjoy but feels deprived; the world will never give her nothing but sickness til she dies...~~ gus

~~with walls secured around us inside, i block the world outside; the day will come when you leave me alone and deprived. i am your beautifully tragic creature this is true, i wonder what will become of me when all this is through...will the walls around me crumble when you leave, what will take their place and the destiny that must come to me? my fragile state has reached its peak and all i can do is delight in my heart that is weak; no matter what comes to pass, i will be hurt but that is fact, nothing can be done but revel in each others skin and desire until the day comes when my walls crumble leaving me forsaken and denied.~~ veruca

plain

I think I made my peace with my plain demeanor. I think I have acknowledged the fact that I am not pretty. I dont have a beauty that stands out in a crowd, the classic beauty of a kind person that stands alone, nor the beauty that makes one stand still in awe. I think I made my peace with this fact of life even though I feel saddened by this acceptance.

My eyes well up with tears at the dismal reality of my "peace" with plainness. I wish I could stand alone in beauty, in words, in presence. I know I stand out to my Maker, who knows my inner beauty that no one is patient to notice; I shouldnt place time in vanity. Somehow I wish that human validation can matter. All I need I have but even though it is foolish it isnt enough.

Its hard to be second place in humans eyes, no matter what it seems that number 2 is my destiny, my lot, my fate, my life. I crave to be seen as beautiful in human eyes; even though it shouldnt matter but its my matter. It is my insecurity, my vanity, my foolishness. There are times I trick myself into believing I have some facet of beauty, but it is only vanity that is the trickery, only foolishness that is my reality; a reality in human eyes wont ever see.

a new intro

i had another blog under a different name during a different time of my life. i began it in 07 and it changed briefly in 08. but as i thought about it, i realized it was impossible to use my old account for the new misadventures in my life. because i was no longer the ocd fangirl from trying to grow up. i am still emily swain but i decided to change my name to emilie swain; it is a slight change but it represents on how such a minor change, the smallest deviation, the tiniest difference a choice makes a HUGE impact later on down the road. it literally was a snowball that turned into the biggest avalanche of my life which is still gathering speed and threatening to cover me in the biggest hole i have ever landed in...which is scary since there are so many more holes that i will encounter in my life.

so this is the thread of my life, the life of drama. i will always have it in my life and i will always seek it, subconsciously or consciously. i dont even know if those words are misspelled or not. damn no spellcheck. definition of dramaticisms: to live a life a certain way for a dramatic purpose; a life dedicated to the dramas of life and the people that cause it, seeking it to a certain point. i will post up my other blogs from myspace before i can delete them. some of them are memorable conversations that i had to put into words to never forget them. some of the other blogs are ramblings, musings, and stream of conscious poems.

this will be place to rant, ramble, muse, and write something down that resembles poetry. we'll see if i keep up with this one more so than the other blogs...i've been consistent at myspace; how odd.