diamond in the rough

is how someone at work described me; that i have a tough wall but once the wall is broken through i am a softie. long ago my friend called me an egg lol: hard exterior and just mush inside. the egg analysis had me laughing aloud when i first heard but when my friend called me a diamond in the rough had me teary eyed. then again he had called me cold hearted just a few minutes before the diamond in the rough statement.

i was kinda shocked that this particular guy had called me a cold hearted person...i mean he has seen me sad and vulnerable. i asked him if he really thought that of me and he had to think for a moment. the fact that he had to think had me thrown for a loop. i hadnt realized i was such a bitch at times but how can anyone blame me? if anyone knew the horrors of being stepped over since junior high, the fact that i was made to be a simpleton, and a brother who let me down repeatedley would understand why i can be a bitch. it hurts that those who more or less know me really believe i am coldhearted and said guy even asked why it was so hard to just lighten up.

ya...why is it so hard? why am i always emo? yadda yadda yadda...i only trust a handful of people and even those let me down that it strikes a blow to me when it happens. i want to clam up but at the same time i want to be around those that i trust and adore. its such a hard thing to do, loosening up. i am a tough one to know but it kills me that those that i consider friends mock my sensitivity and are doubtful of my heart. it truly hurt that my "friend" told me this; i sort of distanced myself from him although i doubt he is aware of it. he probably thinks its me being dismissive and "coldhearted". and to an extent it is but not for the reasons he thinks.

i sometimes trust the wrong people, love the lost causes, and fight for battles that were lost long ago. thats me; i refuse to give up on the things that were long gone. there was a poem written by an anonymous girl with a pen name that resembled my troubles and myself at times. and i'll post it along with this blog along with the one that was written for the man the girl referred to, a friendship that was also lost. silly me, with my dramaticisms. but yah i am "coldhearted". so what? i am for good reason; i only hope those that i trust and love see beyond the roughness of who i am. that they look beyond the "emoness" that is me at times.

someone once asked me why i am "emo". i gave him a reasonable explanation which he sort of scoffed at. hmmm...once again me trusting the wrong people again. well here are the poems of gus and veruca, two silly people that i truly empathize with and i wish i knew more of.


~~my poor little emo; lost to the world, forsaken and denied to what she craves to enjoy but feels deprived; the world will never give her nothing but sickness til she dies...~~ gus

~~with walls secured around us inside, i block the world outside; the day will come when you leave me alone and deprived. i am your beautifully tragic creature this is true, i wonder what will become of me when all this is through...will the walls around me crumble when you leave, what will take their place and the destiny that must come to me? my fragile state has reached its peak and all i can do is delight in my heart that is weak; no matter what comes to pass, i will be hurt but that is fact, nothing can be done but revel in each others skin and desire until the day comes when my walls crumble leaving me forsaken and denied.~~ veruca