its been awhile

i didn't realize its been awhile since my last post. and nobody really follows blogs anymore since its the "in" thing to do. but oh well. i could write in my journal but i hate leaving smudges. so lame. but ya...its been almost two months and a lot has happened but more or less things are the same thank God.

the past few weeks i have been doing a lot of thinking and being analytical about many things: coworkers, my relationships, and myself. coworkers are bitches but that's life. the relationships in my life are somewhat growing more stable and sound, despite the bumps in the road i have come across. miss katie scarlett and i have weathered the storm that was 2008 and a few months of 2009 tolerably well and our friendship has grown stronger thanks to two awesome guys who loves us despite our insanities. as for my relationship with my fucking awesome guy our love has grown pretty amazingly but we have come across several bumps on the road.

those bumps have me blogging today and has me trying to decipher some things that have been coming to me in my sleep. i sort of forgot my relationship with God. i could never forget Him since He has blessed me in so many ways; but i sort of forgot the growing closeness i had with Him since the whole rada debacle and the mo mess. i love my beloved boyfriend, but i have forgotten to share my love of my beloved Father with everything and everyone in my life. the bumps on the road are reminders to all of us that life isn't always perfect and stop trying to control things entirely. there are some things in life that we cannot prevent, change, or forget. those bumps on the road reminds us of that, or i guess in this situation myself. i have to remember my blessings are because of loving and serving God. He is supposed to come first despite everything good or bad in our lives happen.

i went through some major mess in 2008 and i somehow managed to maintain my sanity for the most part. and it was when i accepted that life happens and shit happens and all one can do is ride the motions of it all and fucking deal. when it fell out of my control, i left it to God and it all somehow manage to balance itself out. i sort of have forgotten everything God has done for me. and the bumps of the road are all signals to stop, breathe, trust in God, and float on. and i am now going to focus on other priorities that God has reminded me that i got to handle.

i must break free from my fear and fully become an adult. which means, get my fucking license. its time to be the woman i have so wished to be for so long. im still scared of being an official grown up. the time, however, is now. i am going to be 29 come spring and by being this adult it can lead me to do more for God than i was able to do in the past. all i want to do in 2010 is to serve more in my church, spend time writing, and growing closer not only to my beloved fucking awesome boyfriend, but also focusing on God and what He expects of me. this is something i know i have to do. i cant avoid it any longer. i also want to feel better of myself. i want to feel healthier and prettier...my beloved boyfriend and the bosom friend think i am lovely now. but for selfish and vain reasons of my own, i want to feel healthier. i want feel pretty. not only for my boyfriend and my bfff but for my own sense of self. i want to be able to look in the mirror and not groan(too much). i want to be able to just gaze at myself and shrug and be on my merry way without having a panic attack about my tummy and plain face.

2010 is waiting and i think the time to change and grow is now. i want to be someone my friends, my baby, and God most of all to be proud of. i have so many aspirations of my future...i want it all. and i have never wanted it as much as now.