i am surrounded by overshadowing beings, those that i love and adore. i dont know how to emerge from the darkness to the light, not sure of how i would react to such brightness. my world has always been grey, never sure to be self-assured and never known to be my own. there was always a ying to my yang, my partner in crime, my bosom friend. there has always been a lover, a loner, a rebel in my hearts desire. i dont know how to step into the light and embrace the warmth when all i have ever known and loved was the chill and the cold.
my towering loves are more unreachable than ever before; i am a stranger to those that i cherish with the stone that is my heart. i am a stranger to myself; i dont know who is me. im torn between two girls in one body, both desperate to be loved, to be wanted, to be known as her own. but i dont know how to be one person. i dont know how to be me. i dont know if i can be an amazing person some claim i am. there are claims i am loyal and loving. but i love the wrong ones and im loyal to lost causes it seems. i dont know how to reach out to those that i love anymore; they are unreachable and always far away. my grey world is of my own doing, of my own choice, of my own hearts desire. i havent known true warmth in so long i wouldnt know where to go, who to trust, how to start living in the light, away from my own shadows.
i am the shadow to those that i love and adore; thats my place in this world. because i choose this, i know this, i reluctantly accept this. this is the world of the shadows, the cowardice of blind faith, the unwillingness to step away from the dark, the way of the grey. this is who i am; i dont even know who i am alone. i am a stranger; i am my own shadow. i am grey, i am alone; who am i?
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Monday, June 8, 2009
diamond in the rough
is how someone at work described me; that i have a tough wall but once the wall is broken through i am a softie. long ago my friend called me an egg lol: hard exterior and just mush inside. the egg analysis had me laughing aloud when i first heard but when my friend called me a diamond in the rough had me teary eyed. then again he had called me cold hearted just a few minutes before the diamond in the rough statement.
i was kinda shocked that this particular guy had called me a cold hearted person...i mean he has seen me sad and vulnerable. i asked him if he really thought that of me and he had to think for a moment. the fact that he had to think had me thrown for a loop. i hadnt realized i was such a bitch at times but how can anyone blame me? if anyone knew the horrors of being stepped over since junior high, the fact that i was made to be a simpleton, and a brother who let me down repeatedley would understand why i can be a bitch. it hurts that those who more or less know me really believe i am coldhearted and said guy even asked why it was so hard to just lighten up.
ya...why is it so hard? why am i always emo? yadda yadda yadda...i only trust a handful of people and even those let me down that it strikes a blow to me when it happens. i want to clam up but at the same time i want to be around those that i trust and adore. its such a hard thing to do, loosening up. i am a tough one to know but it kills me that those that i consider friends mock my sensitivity and are doubtful of my heart. it truly hurt that my "friend" told me this; i sort of distanced myself from him although i doubt he is aware of it. he probably thinks its me being dismissive and "coldhearted". and to an extent it is but not for the reasons he thinks.
i sometimes trust the wrong people, love the lost causes, and fight for battles that were lost long ago. thats me; i refuse to give up on the things that were long gone. there was a poem written by an anonymous girl with a pen name that resembled my troubles and myself at times. and i'll post it along with this blog along with the one that was written for the man the girl referred to, a friendship that was also lost. silly me, with my dramaticisms. but yah i am "coldhearted". so what? i am for good reason; i only hope those that i trust and love see beyond the roughness of who i am. that they look beyond the "emoness" that is me at times.
someone once asked me why i am "emo". i gave him a reasonable explanation which he sort of scoffed at. hmmm...once again me trusting the wrong people again. well here are the poems of gus and veruca, two silly people that i truly empathize with and i wish i knew more of.
~~my poor little emo; lost to the world, forsaken and denied to what she craves to enjoy but feels deprived; the world will never give her nothing but sickness til she dies...~~ gus
~~with walls secured around us inside, i block the world outside; the day will come when you leave me alone and deprived. i am your beautifully tragic creature this is true, i wonder what will become of me when all this is through...will the walls around me crumble when you leave, what will take their place and the destiny that must come to me? my fragile state has reached its peak and all i can do is delight in my heart that is weak; no matter what comes to pass, i will be hurt but that is fact, nothing can be done but revel in each others skin and desire until the day comes when my walls crumble leaving me forsaken and denied.~~ veruca
i was kinda shocked that this particular guy had called me a cold hearted person...i mean he has seen me sad and vulnerable. i asked him if he really thought that of me and he had to think for a moment. the fact that he had to think had me thrown for a loop. i hadnt realized i was such a bitch at times but how can anyone blame me? if anyone knew the horrors of being stepped over since junior high, the fact that i was made to be a simpleton, and a brother who let me down repeatedley would understand why i can be a bitch. it hurts that those who more or less know me really believe i am coldhearted and said guy even asked why it was so hard to just lighten up.
ya...why is it so hard? why am i always emo? yadda yadda yadda...i only trust a handful of people and even those let me down that it strikes a blow to me when it happens. i want to clam up but at the same time i want to be around those that i trust and adore. its such a hard thing to do, loosening up. i am a tough one to know but it kills me that those that i consider friends mock my sensitivity and are doubtful of my heart. it truly hurt that my "friend" told me this; i sort of distanced myself from him although i doubt he is aware of it. he probably thinks its me being dismissive and "coldhearted". and to an extent it is but not for the reasons he thinks.
i sometimes trust the wrong people, love the lost causes, and fight for battles that were lost long ago. thats me; i refuse to give up on the things that were long gone. there was a poem written by an anonymous girl with a pen name that resembled my troubles and myself at times. and i'll post it along with this blog along with the one that was written for the man the girl referred to, a friendship that was also lost. silly me, with my dramaticisms. but yah i am "coldhearted". so what? i am for good reason; i only hope those that i trust and love see beyond the roughness of who i am. that they look beyond the "emoness" that is me at times.
someone once asked me why i am "emo". i gave him a reasonable explanation which he sort of scoffed at. hmmm...once again me trusting the wrong people again. well here are the poems of gus and veruca, two silly people that i truly empathize with and i wish i knew more of.
~~my poor little emo; lost to the world, forsaken and denied to what she craves to enjoy but feels deprived; the world will never give her nothing but sickness til she dies...~~ gus
~~with walls secured around us inside, i block the world outside; the day will come when you leave me alone and deprived. i am your beautifully tragic creature this is true, i wonder what will become of me when all this is through...will the walls around me crumble when you leave, what will take their place and the destiny that must come to me? my fragile state has reached its peak and all i can do is delight in my heart that is weak; no matter what comes to pass, i will be hurt but that is fact, nothing can be done but revel in each others skin and desire until the day comes when my walls crumble leaving me forsaken and denied.~~ veruca
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
plain
I think I made my peace with my plain demeanor. I think I have acknowledged the fact that I am not pretty. I dont have a beauty that stands out in a crowd, the classic beauty of a kind person that stands alone, nor the beauty that makes one stand still in awe. I think I made my peace with this fact of life even though I feel saddened by this acceptance.
My eyes well up with tears at the dismal reality of my "peace" with plainness. I wish I could stand alone in beauty, in words, in presence. I know I stand out to my Maker, who knows my inner beauty that no one is patient to notice; I shouldnt place time in vanity. Somehow I wish that human validation can matter. All I need I have but even though it is foolish it isnt enough.
Its hard to be second place in humans eyes, no matter what it seems that number 2 is my destiny, my lot, my fate, my life. I crave to be seen as beautiful in human eyes; even though it shouldnt matter but its my matter. It is my insecurity, my vanity, my foolishness. There are times I trick myself into believing I have some facet of beauty, but it is only vanity that is the trickery, only foolishness that is my reality; a reality in human eyes wont ever see.
My eyes well up with tears at the dismal reality of my "peace" with plainness. I wish I could stand alone in beauty, in words, in presence. I know I stand out to my Maker, who knows my inner beauty that no one is patient to notice; I shouldnt place time in vanity. Somehow I wish that human validation can matter. All I need I have but even though it is foolish it isnt enough.
Its hard to be second place in humans eyes, no matter what it seems that number 2 is my destiny, my lot, my fate, my life. I crave to be seen as beautiful in human eyes; even though it shouldnt matter but its my matter. It is my insecurity, my vanity, my foolishness. There are times I trick myself into believing I have some facet of beauty, but it is only vanity that is the trickery, only foolishness that is my reality; a reality in human eyes wont ever see.
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