Sunday, October 25, 2009
world series 2009
screw the yankees. thats all i have to say. and screw the phillies. fuck it: i am boycotting the world series this year...FUCK THOSE TEAMS.
Friday, October 2, 2009
4 months
its been 4 months since i have written anything. so much has happened its hard to believe it has been this long. there are days when it feels long and others that leave me bewildered on how time as FLOWN. i have a wonderful boyfriend that i wasnt expecting on having considering my past history on fiascos and dramas. on the flip side, there is the bad. i have always known the good always has to co-exist with the bad. there is always a flip side to a positive; just like there is always a silver lining in the most dire of circumstances. i have known that since "eternal sunshine of the spotless mind." i just needed a reminder.
4 months ago i was a mess of a girl. i was in a relationship of sorts that had me spiraling downward so fast it left my bosom friend helpless. all she could do is watch me self-destruct in an affair that was, more like would have, left me broken and damaged for a long time had i continued. i dont have to document entirely the situation that i was in with mo just 4 to 5 months ago. it is a situation that i wont be forgetting for awhile considering of recent events. needless to say, i feel betrayed and duped.
at first i felt betrayed and duped by mo's recent behavior. i never thought he would be this nuts and melodramatic. in the span of our sordid and distorted history, i would have NEVER made him unhappy. my strength and weakness in one, my goal was always to make others happy, especially mo. i never knew how to be happy on my own or let others make me happy. i was happy going to church, happy in journaling and watching movies, happy in reading etc. as for people i was never sure how to be happy with them; i was happy making them happy at whatever cost. others were gracious, some were not. as for mo, all i strived for was making him happy. i thought this was how life and love was. in some instances it is true. but in the case of me and mo, it was a flat out no. it took me a long time to see it. katie was afraid i would never see the light that would take me away from darkness like before with rada and itchy. she was afraid that she would have to pull me out of my sea of insanity, especially if i would be floating in it, floating in defeat. but she was spared for once and both she and i have praised God since.
i am happy with my light in shining armor, my prince that i never thought i would ever have. i had resigned to settling for less than extraordinary then God brought me and my beloved together. i found my happiness, just not the happily ever after yet. there is always a happy ending, true. but because this is real life, sometimes it isnt neat and easy. just like my life, it is hard work and sort of messy in a sense that i have an ordeal to overcome. but its worth it. fuck yes, its worth it. and im ready to fight when the need calls for it. i have my faith in God, i have my faith in His awesomeness that no matter what, i will be in His hands. He's proven it before without me asking for it; now i all i have to do is trust in that. easier said than done of course. im letting the recent insanities of mo affect my sense of peace and dictate my life to the dread of his words. but after some reading and journaling(my old friend im glad to have found you again) and now my favorite past time of blogging i can be brave. i just have to trust like i have before and stand up for myself.
mo has hurt me, yes. but i realize he didnt betray me or dupe me. i duped myself into thinking he is a good man. there were moments that had me convinced, and i still have faith that the good of those moments will manifest into the makings of a good man. but for now i have to accept the fact he is a bad man. and i had blinded myself into thinking that he was good when it was obvious he wasnt. he woulda never hurt his crazy but precious miss jenny, he would have never lead me through sin, and he would have never made the remarks he made of my bosom friend and most recently the jeerings towards my beloved ezkibel. i was blinded by a sick version of love and now i have to deal with realities i denied myself. i duped myself; i betrayed my own eyes and saw what i wanted to see. i did all this to justify my loneliness, my insecurities, and my own sins. i am forgiven but im not immune to the consequences, of the aftermath of every choice we all make. regardless of the good or bad of a choice, there is always an aftermath. a cause and effect. and now i am awake. its tough to see how fucking wrong i was and how stupid i was back then.
but i have my friends. i have my boyfriend. i have my God who because of Him i have my friends and my boyfriend and my family. i am not alone. i dont have to do all this alone. im not at fault. i have been forgiven. i have to remember this. because if i forget, mo wins. and if he wins, the devil wins. i want to live for God and with God. i want live with and for my friends. i want to live with and for and love my boyfriend. he is FREAKIN' awesome. i was truly blessed the day we went to In n Out on June 15th, 2009. he is the best thing thats happened to me since katie.
i heard a car and i felt my nerves go haywire. see, i let fear come in again. fuck you, fear. actually no, come back. because of you, i pray more to God. so bring it on fear. i have God. i have ezkibel. i have katie. i have friends and family. i'll be more than fine. i'll be happy. i am happy. and i feel good blogging. i missed you, blogging. lets keep in touch, si? SI.
4 months ago i was a mess of a girl. i was in a relationship of sorts that had me spiraling downward so fast it left my bosom friend helpless. all she could do is watch me self-destruct in an affair that was, more like would have, left me broken and damaged for a long time had i continued. i dont have to document entirely the situation that i was in with mo just 4 to 5 months ago. it is a situation that i wont be forgetting for awhile considering of recent events. needless to say, i feel betrayed and duped.
at first i felt betrayed and duped by mo's recent behavior. i never thought he would be this nuts and melodramatic. in the span of our sordid and distorted history, i would have NEVER made him unhappy. my strength and weakness in one, my goal was always to make others happy, especially mo. i never knew how to be happy on my own or let others make me happy. i was happy going to church, happy in journaling and watching movies, happy in reading etc. as for people i was never sure how to be happy with them; i was happy making them happy at whatever cost. others were gracious, some were not. as for mo, all i strived for was making him happy. i thought this was how life and love was. in some instances it is true. but in the case of me and mo, it was a flat out no. it took me a long time to see it. katie was afraid i would never see the light that would take me away from darkness like before with rada and itchy. she was afraid that she would have to pull me out of my sea of insanity, especially if i would be floating in it, floating in defeat. but she was spared for once and both she and i have praised God since.
i am happy with my light in shining armor, my prince that i never thought i would ever have. i had resigned to settling for less than extraordinary then God brought me and my beloved together. i found my happiness, just not the happily ever after yet. there is always a happy ending, true. but because this is real life, sometimes it isnt neat and easy. just like my life, it is hard work and sort of messy in a sense that i have an ordeal to overcome. but its worth it. fuck yes, its worth it. and im ready to fight when the need calls for it. i have my faith in God, i have my faith in His awesomeness that no matter what, i will be in His hands. He's proven it before without me asking for it; now i all i have to do is trust in that. easier said than done of course. im letting the recent insanities of mo affect my sense of peace and dictate my life to the dread of his words. but after some reading and journaling(my old friend im glad to have found you again) and now my favorite past time of blogging i can be brave. i just have to trust like i have before and stand up for myself.
mo has hurt me, yes. but i realize he didnt betray me or dupe me. i duped myself into thinking he is a good man. there were moments that had me convinced, and i still have faith that the good of those moments will manifest into the makings of a good man. but for now i have to accept the fact he is a bad man. and i had blinded myself into thinking that he was good when it was obvious he wasnt. he woulda never hurt his crazy but precious miss jenny, he would have never lead me through sin, and he would have never made the remarks he made of my bosom friend and most recently the jeerings towards my beloved ezkibel. i was blinded by a sick version of love and now i have to deal with realities i denied myself. i duped myself; i betrayed my own eyes and saw what i wanted to see. i did all this to justify my loneliness, my insecurities, and my own sins. i am forgiven but im not immune to the consequences, of the aftermath of every choice we all make. regardless of the good or bad of a choice, there is always an aftermath. a cause and effect. and now i am awake. its tough to see how fucking wrong i was and how stupid i was back then.
but i have my friends. i have my boyfriend. i have my God who because of Him i have my friends and my boyfriend and my family. i am not alone. i dont have to do all this alone. im not at fault. i have been forgiven. i have to remember this. because if i forget, mo wins. and if he wins, the devil wins. i want to live for God and with God. i want live with and for my friends. i want to live with and for and love my boyfriend. he is FREAKIN' awesome. i was truly blessed the day we went to In n Out on June 15th, 2009. he is the best thing thats happened to me since katie.
i heard a car and i felt my nerves go haywire. see, i let fear come in again. fuck you, fear. actually no, come back. because of you, i pray more to God. so bring it on fear. i have God. i have ezkibel. i have katie. i have friends and family. i'll be more than fine. i'll be happy. i am happy. and i feel good blogging. i missed you, blogging. lets keep in touch, si? SI.
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